Are You Actually a “Good Enough Mother?"

Are You Actually a “Good Enough Mother?”

It's been a trying day filled with tantrums, messes, and mistakes. You've just intentionally skipped every other page in the bedtime book to end it asap. You still need to finish picking up the crayons that were already picked up 18 times on that floor still covered in Cheerios after already vacuuming twice, and you can’t remember if you cleaned the smoothie that somehow ended up on the ceiling. In the moment of “peace,” right after the kiddos are asleep, you collapse onto the floor and let out a yell (or tears) of both exasperation and exhaustion. A little voice in your head starts up and says, “If only you would…If only you were…,” and suddenly you feel like you're just not enough.

This blog is not one to shame you for not picking up that last crayon or for feeding your child fast food because you just were too exhausted to cook. This IS a blog that will teach you the power of recognizing when your efforts, your essence, you as a human being--are enough. 

“Good Enough Mother” – termed by Donald Winnicott, a British Psychoanalyst and Pediatrician (1953)

Anthony Tran | Unsplash

Recognizing “Good Enough” 

Perfection is not possible

Perfection in parenting is absolutely not possible. There will be days that seem like the only thing that went right was that there were no casualties today. And there will be days where we might feel like supermom because we weren’t late to the playgroups, were able to put and keep the cutest outfit on our little one, and even made a multi-course meal for dinner with all the food groups present.

Mothering is neither perfect, nor is it failing. Being a “good enough mother” is not an avoidance of failure, and it is not an excuse for not doing better. Being a “good enough mother” is living in the imperfection, which is actually super important for our kiddos.

Senjuti Kundu | Unsplash

Imperfect Parenting & Disillusionment

That beautiful newborn requires intense care during the first few months of their lives. Their reality consists of immediate gratification of needs. They are hungry, so milk appears. They want mom, so she comes. They are, in their helplessness, powerful little beings that seem to magically be served by their caretaker.

But night feedings end. Mothers get tired. Infants’ needs change. At some point, the infant should no longer be all powerful, because mama needs to take care of herself as well. Because mama needs to take a whole 60 seconds to take deep breaths before picking up her child. Because mama needs her hair to stay on her head and not wrapped around little fingers. And eventually because mama cannot let her now-mobile little one to crawl out the doggie door. She cannot let her child only eat ice cream for every meal. She cannot let her beautiful little one eat that slimy little thing freshly picked out of that cute little nose.

Our all-powerful newborns that require every single need to be quickly met, turn into infants, toddlers, and children who need to be contained and taught that they are not all-powerful. The reality of the world is: we actually can’t have or do everything we want. And that leads to frustration for our children – rightly so. This is what Winnicott refers to as “disillusionment,” that kiddos do not control their world 100% in that magical way they think they do.

Avi Waxman | Unsplash

How Can I Be a “Good Enough Mother?”

A “good enough mother” is a balance of providing an environment for your child to become disillusioned with you and the world, while also helping them keep their passion for life through exploration and understanding reality. It is allowing them to be frustrated, angry, and sad, while validating their emotions and helping them navigate how to handle their loss of power.

Being a “good enough mother” may look like letting your kiddo tantrum and bang on the bathroom door for 2 whole gut-wrenching minutes while you pee by yourself. It may look like not letting little fingers go up your nose. It may look like telling your kiddo you need a “sad break” while you pull yourself together. It may look like finishing cooking dinner before you get that toy they threw under the refrigerator for. the. 8th. time.

Being a “good enough mother” is not checking off the “right” tasks of motherhood like feeding 100% organic food, attending 17 playgroups every week, and perfecting the messy bun that actually takes 3 hours to do. It is not keeping the house clean, only having Montessori toys, and always being put-together. It is also not an excuse to avoid growing in our ability to parent.

Being a “good enough mother” is taking your child’s precious little hand in your own and guiding them through the rough terrain that is real life. One of the best ways to do that is to let them see your own struggle and imperfection and let them learn how you, strong mama, are navigating that rough terrain right beside them.

Tim Trad |Unsplash

If you are needing someone to come alongside you while you navigate the rocky terrain of life, Quest would be honored to help! Contact us at 757-828-5927 or email appointments@questpsych.org. 

If peri/postpartum concerns or adjusting to motherhood are requiring more - there's no shame. Katie Hughes, LCSW at Quest can help. It's her specialty!