9 Ways to Navigate the Never-ending “NOs”

The Terrible Twos

One of the reasons the “Terrible Twos” is so “terrible” is due to the dreaded and never-ending use of “NO!”

How can you survive this stage without pulling your hair out, having your own private temper tantrums, or wishing for a magical nanny with a wand to fly in and fix the out-of-control emotions? 

Are you navigating the “Terrible Twos” with a toddler? Read on to learn some survival skills (I mean parenting skills 😉)  that can help you ride out and even thrive during this phase of development.

Necessary No’s

First, let’s talk about why “NOs” are a necessary  part of being a 2-year-old (and dare I say a healthy adult)! The use of “NO” is part of a toddler’s development of autonomy, which is a big word that really just means self-government, or independence. Toddlers are trying to figure out how much control they have over their environment and the people in their life. 

Control actually isn’t a bad thing! Having control over choices and tasks is a great way to develop confidence and independence. It is important for toddlers to learn that they have control over who can touch them and who can be affectionate. We might feel rejected when our toddler yells, “NO HUG MOMMY,” but that skill is necessary for them to be confident in telling a stranger that, “NO!” they cannot touch. 

Jen Theodore | Unsplash

So you may be thinking… ‘Okay, so touch is one thing, but “NOs” appear everywhere!’ Let’s look at some more examples. Toddlers will often pick their dinner, then throw it when it’s given to them with that dreaded “NOOOOO.” They fight necessary diaper changes, baths, or teeth brushing. My personal favorite is that automatic “NO!” For example, your lovely little person is sick and stuffy. You ask, “Do you need a tissue?” which is met with a loud, “NOOOOOOOO …yes.” The little one didn’t even process what was said before the “NO” came out!

So how in the world are we to help with autonomy (AKA independence), keep our sanity, and survive the “NOs?” 

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Here Are 9 Different Ways:

1. Give Choices
   Give choices (just two) to have your toddler feel like they are in control, while you keep the boundaries of the choice. If you need your little one to eat a vegetable, ask, “Do you want peas or carrots?” They feel a sense of control in picking their choice, and you reach your goal of providing a vegetable. But what if there’s not a choice? 
   

   The little one needs a diaper change and that’s not negotiable! But, the WAY the diaper is changed can be negotiable. “Do you want to change your diaper QUICK like a bunny or SLOWWWWWW like a turtle?” Provide a choice, as well as some excitement and play, to a mundane (sometimes extremely difficult) task. 

2. Ignore It
   Ignore “bad” behavior by simply just not reacting to it. Pair this with reinforcing or celebrating “good” behavior. This can be harder than it sounds because adult frustration is very much normal when facing “NOs.” But simply wait without any reaction to allow some space for the little one to calm and understand that there may not be a point in screaming. Remember, negative attention is still attention. 

3. Enlist the Helper
   Toddlers are in the stage where helping is fun and exciting. They are often proud of themselves for completing or helping with a grown up task. A “NO” to going to the store may successfully be negotiated by a, “OHH! Want to be my BIG helper at the store today?!”

4. Model Behavior
   Because toddlers want to learn to be just like their caregivers, it can be useful to simply model the behavior that is expected of them. A “NO” to eating that vegetable they previously chose may be successfully navigated by an, “Okay. Well I’m going to eat these carrots. Mmmm yummy.” 

5. Redirection
   Sometimes the most helpful thing is the art of distraction, and it truly is an art. When the little one is adamant on their “NO,” and they absolutely refuse to be picked up in the crowded mall, redirect their attention away from the request. Say, “Hey! Look over there! I see a BIGGG stuffed animal in that store. Let’s go look!” to make the little one forget about the “picking up part” and focus on the fun, new thing they’re about to see. 

6. Strategically Allow “Yes”
   This, perhaps, would better be labeled, “Pick your battles.” Need to get out the door 5 minutes ago, but the little one says, “NO” to putting shoes on? Take those shoes with you and put them on after arriving at your destination while they are buckled up in the car seat! However, if this is an “every single time” battle, allowing it is not strategic. 

7. “If, Then” Negotiations
   This is a simple, but very effective tool to navigate “NOs.” Let’s take the above example about not putting on shoes. If the destination is fun, like going to the playground, it can be used to motivate the little one to put those shoes on. “You want to go to the playground, right?! Then we have to put your shoes on!” or if the little one is dysregulated, simplify it, “Shoes first, then playground.” 

8. Safety-Related “NOs” 
   There are times when things are non-negotiable, such as keeping little hands away from a hot stove. In safety situations, choices may not be appropriate. At the same time, preventative measures can be taken. Teach the little one that they need to stay in the hoola hoop on the floor (placed away from the stove) or teach “ready hands” to prevent situations where “NOs” are likely to happen. 

9. Take a Breather
   There will be times when tantrums and “NOs” occur and nothing seems to work. That’s okay. In those times, say, “I’m frustrated, I’m going to take a breather.” If possible, let the little one watch you do this (model). Or, if you’re okay and nothing is working, sit on the floor with the little one and cry. (Because, honestly, Mommy really wanted 10 cookies and the chocolate cake too! 🤤😭. Grocery shopping is hard)! 

Let’s face it. Caring for a toddler is hard. It’s absolutely beautiful, and it absolutely can take everything we have in the gas tank. There are also behaviors that are not normal, and those need additional attention and professional help. Sometimes, you need help yourself. If this is you, check out the Quest website for more services. 

If you ever feel your own emotions are out of control at a level that is unsafe for your child, visit the Virginia Parenting Helpline or call 800-244-5373.